Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[S.B.Y.1]

[knnbzaimas]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

Hehehe this is funny! Thanks bro

[35cents]

hilarious this....

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

[FillJones]

Thanks all for sharing great jokes!

[NastyThaiboy]

Originally Posted by S.B.Y.1

this is good, really funny!

[cinnabaris]

Lovely joke from bro. Thanks for sharing.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

HOW TO SHIT LIKE A MAN:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

[sexygthong]

Very good thread of jokes. Thx all for sharing.

[HoiFai]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Shorts



A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"



Michael: "I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the chemist is stuck up." Roy: "Why do you say that?" Michael: "Well, I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I'm a leper or something."



What is the definition of suspicious??
A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch


Henry and Doris were sitting in the lounge of the old folks' home one evening, Henry in his pajamas and dressing gown. Doris whispered, "Henry! Do yourself up properly; your willy's sticking out!" Henry looked down, and said, "Don't flatter yourself, dear. My willy is HANGING out!"



Where does virgin wool come from?
An ugly sheep.



What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.



Little Johnny walks in on his dad giving his wife a good screwing. Later on he finds his dad, and he asked, "Hey Dad! What were you just doing?" His father says, "I was filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."



Yo momma is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.

Nice shorties, thanks bro

[bigbirdbird]

In every romantic relationship there comes a time to meet the parents.

The stress of wondering if they will like and accept you can lead to embarrassing misstatements.

To help you avoid some of the most common conversational pitfalls I've compiled a list of the Top Ten things not to say to your girlfriend's parents when you meet them for the first time:


10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said you are.

9. Wazzzaaaaap!

8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.

7. You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.

6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.

5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?

4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget is Sam. Is Sally ready?

3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out here! Send the bitch out!

2. You should be proud, Mr. And Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.


And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your boy or girlfriend's parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.

[bigbirdbird]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh" he thought "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish...and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water... The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs the fish... The hunter shoots the bear... The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat falls into the water.

The moral of the story is.... Whenever a fly goes down three inches... Some pussy is probably in danger.

[bigbirdbird]

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.

Interviewer: Name?

Tarzan: Me Tarzan

Interviewer: Married?

Tarzan: Wife Jane

Interviewer: Children?

Tarzan: Son boy

Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle

Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name

Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

[bigbirdbird]

"I'm in love with my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."

"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"

[bigbirdbird]

If Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store


Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.

Hookers are renamed "Special Stock Girls."

If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8

There's gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.

Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.

Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."

Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."

No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.

Paper or Plastic or Rubber?

Some men would still be in the Express Lane

[bigbirdbird]

10 ways you know you've had good sex....

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

[BunnyHunny]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.

Interviewer: Name?

Tarzan: Me Tarzan

Interviewer: Married?

Tarzan: Wife Jane

Interviewer: Children?

Tarzan: Son boy

Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?

Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle

Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name

Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

Hahahahaaa damn funny!!