Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"

The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"

The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny.

She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

[bigbirdbird]

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES...


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

[Hurricane88]

If one has not read this, do so.

At a party in a MNC company, the boss ordered a young junior lady Officer to tell a joke to all.

The lady Officer didn't like the way he ordered and his attitude.

But finally she agreed for a joke.

Read what she said....

"Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions ☺

Feet said they wanted to be the boss because they carry the whole load 😊

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it ☺

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons ☺

While the argument was at its peak, Asshole shouted, "why should I be ignored? I am also eligible to be a boss."

All body parts started laughing at it ☺

Asshole got annoyed and went on Strike. Blocked itself and refused to open ☺

In a short time, Hands Cranked, Eyes Blurred, Ears Emitted Hot Air, Brain Got Heavy, Heart and Lungs Panicked 😱😰😨

Finally they all agreed and accepted Asshole should be the BOSS ☺

Moral:
It doesn't matter how talented you are,
Any Asshole can be your Boss !!!!

All junior officers clapped. 😄👏🏻The boss was shocked.😨

Now you know why Malaysians love to call somebody a "Bossku" 🙂

[kingfisherL]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

If one has not read this, do so.

At a party in a MNC company, the boss ordered a young junior lady Officer to tell a joke to all.

The lady Officer didn't like the way he ordered and his attitude.

But finally she agreed for a joke.

Read what she said....

"Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions ☺

Feet said they wanted to be the boss because they carry the whole load 😊

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it ☺

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons ☺

While the argument was at its peak, Asshole shouted, "why should I be ignored? I am also eligible to be a boss."

All body parts started laughing at it ☺

Asshole got annoyed and went on Strike. Blocked itself and refused to open ☺

In a short time, Hands Cranked, Eyes Blurred, Ears Emitted Hot Air, Brain Got Heavy, Heart and Lungs Panicked 😱😰😨

Finally they all agreed and accepted Asshole should be the BOSS ☺

Moral:
It doesn't matter how talented you are,
Any Asshole can be your Boss !!!!

All junior officers clapped. 😄👏🏻The boss was shocked.😨

Now you know why Malaysians love to call somebody a "Bossku" 🙂

Really very funny assholes.

Hope to read more jokes.

[owl69]

Fantastic joke lah!
Tks bro so much.

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

If one has not read this, do so.

At a party in a MNC company, the boss ordered a young junior lady Officer to tell a joke to all.

The lady Officer didn't like the way he ordered and his attitude.

But finally she agreed for a joke.

Read what she said....

"Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions ☺

Feet said they wanted to be the boss because they carry the whole load 😊

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it ☺

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons ☺

While the argument was at its peak, Asshole shouted, "why should I be ignored? I am also eligible to be a boss."

All body parts started laughing at it ☺

Asshole got annoyed and went on Strike. Blocked itself and refused to open ☺

In a short time, Hands Cranked, Eyes Blurred, Ears Emitted Hot Air, Brain Got Heavy, Heart and Lungs Panicked 😱😰😨

Finally they all agreed and accepted Asshole should be the BOSS ☺

Moral:
It doesn't matter how talented you are,
Any Asshole can be your Boss !!!!

All junior officers clapped. 😄👏🏻The boss was shocked.😨

Now you know why Malaysians love to call somebody a "Bossku" 🙂

[uplist]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A blonde hadn't been to church for many many months. She always promised to go but never did. One day the pastor was astounded when she suddenly showed up for Sunday service. Thereafter she was at every sunday service, every prayer meeting, every homegroup meeting etc.

Three months later, one Sunday after the service the pastor asks her, "What happened to you? You always dodged church and now it looks like you can't get enough of it?"

She replied, "It's this new Mercedes car of mine pastor! They told me the warranty will lapse if I miss even one service!"

Also funny joke.
Cheers.

[SandyBogerts]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

MALE COMEBACKS TO FEMALE COMEBACKS TO MALE CHAT UP LINES...


Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: There's no need to get on your knees and suck me off just yet

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, don't give a shit where you go.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: That explains the moustache then!

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised.
Man: No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.

Man: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather eat glass.
Man: I think you mis-heard me. I said you look fat in those pants

Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Fortunately, somewhere else.
Man: Just as well cos I've been shagging your mum while your dad watches.

Man: You're pretty
Woman: Piss off.
Man: Don't interrupt, You're pretty... ugly, you fat bitch.

Nice share bro, thanks!

[sufferage]

Wahahaha joke of the day ah

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

If one has not read this, do so.

At a party in a MNC company, the boss ordered a young junior lady Officer to tell a joke to all.

The lady Officer didn't like the way he ordered and his attitude.

But finally she agreed for a joke.

Read what she said....

"Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions ☺

Feet said they wanted to be the boss because they carry the whole load 😊

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it ☺

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons ☺

While the argument was at its peak, Asshole shouted, "why should I be ignored? I am also eligible to be a boss."

All body parts started laughing at it ☺

Asshole got annoyed and went on Strike. Blocked itself and refused to open ☺

In a short time, Hands Cranked, Eyes Blurred, Ears Emitted Hot Air, Brain Got Heavy, Heart and Lungs Panicked 😱😰😨

Finally they all agreed and accepted Asshole should be the BOSS ☺

Moral:
It doesn't matter how talented you are,
Any Asshole can be your Boss !!!!

All junior officers clapped. 😄👏🏻The boss was shocked.😨

Now you know why Malaysians love to call somebody a "Bossku" 🙂

[bigbirdbird]

Out for a Night on the Town

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town, and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for.

He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?" exclaims the fellow. "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

[bigbirdbird]

What if?





Top 10 Things a Man Would Do if He Woke Up in the Morning with a Vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do a split.

7. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less that 10 minutes

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gyno and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off 1 wine cooler.

And the # 1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.


Top 10 Things a Woman Would Do If She Woke Up in the Morning with a Penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

[bigbirdbird]

Despondent


Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, Mildred took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart was located.

"On a woman," the doctor answered, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital -- with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[bigbirdbird]

One Last Kiss


Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big, burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked,."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

[vinastar]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Despondent


Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, Mildred took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart was located.

"On a woman," the doctor answered, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital -- with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Nice funny one hehe

[hton]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

One Last Kiss


Back on January 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big, burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked,."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

Very nice bro, ROFL

[Hurricane88]

Friday laughter...