Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

Dog trainer



There is a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.

The guy walks in the room and asks, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?"

The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."

He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle.

The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. "Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?" "That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.

Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?"

"That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.

Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in.

That dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away.

"Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man.

"That's a lawyer's dog!"

[birdie8819]

A guy goes to see the doctor because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him.

Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a Witch that he thinks might be able to help.

The Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest.

He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No!" The guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey this is great, he thinks- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch-the guy's down to 15 inches.

Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

The frog yells back, "Look -how many times do I have to tell you?"No! No! No!"

[birdie8819]

He Said…….I said….



He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it .
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ....... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said “ That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but click through stations and fart

He said to me.. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror! You look like a PORKA!!!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. . I don't know; it has never happened in this house!!!.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult for my sister Mary to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . Your sister is just like you; overweight and oblivious to what the opposite sex is looking for. Dahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge....

[birdie8819]

The Top 10 Signs You're Not the Sexual Marvel You Once Were!

10. These days, you get winded just turning down the blanket.

9. "Five times in one night" now means that your overactive bladder syndrome is acting up again.

8. Bob Dole sends you an FTD "Sorry You're Flaccid" bouquet.

7. Then ~ "Where's Waldo?" played in bed with your pendulous babe; Now ~ "Where's Waldo?" played in bathroom with your pendulous stomach.

6. Your patented "Inverse Cowgirl" position now lands you in traction for a week.

5. Then ~ She slipped gently into sleep after spending 30 minutes in a post-orgasmic stupor. Now ~ She says you're blocking her view of the TV.

4. It takes six Viagra just to play hard to get.

3. Your mother doesn't knock on the bathroom door and express her concern nearly as often as she used to.

2. You can still make her eyes roll back in her head, but now it's out of annoyance.

1. Your response to a cute, 16-year-old high school student with tight jeans and an exposed belly? "GET OFF MY LAWN!!!"

[birdie8819]

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

[birdie8819]

What Goes Around Keeps Coming Back

[1] Dirty old man businessman Boss winks at the flirt secretary and says, "For a week you and I will go abroad, so pretend making a business trip."

[2] Secretary immediately makes a call to Husband, "For a week my boss and I will be going abroad for business, so you look after yourself."

[3] Crooked husband makes call to his foxy secret lover, "My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together."

[4] Secret lover makes call to the small boy whom she is giving private tuition: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

[5] Small boy makes a call to his grandfather, "Grandpa, for a week I don't have class because my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together."

[6] Grandpa dirty old man businessman boss makes call to his secretary, "This week I am spending my time with my grandson, sorry We cannot attend that meeting."

[7] Secretary makes call to her husband, "This week my boss has some work, we canceled our trip."

[8] Crooked husband makes call to foxy secret lover, "We cannot spend this week together, my wife has canceled her trip."

[9] Secret lover makes call to small boy whom she is giving private tuition, "This week we will have class as usual."

[10] Small boy makes call to his grandfather, "Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company."

[11] Grandpa dirty old man businessman boss apologizes to his flirt secretary, "Don't worry this week we will attend that fake meeting, so make arrangements ."

[12] …………..

[birdie8819]

DEFINITIONS OF A BACHELOR

- One who avoids bride-eyed women.

- One who believes in life, liberty and the happiness of pursuit.

- One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

- One who can't be spouse-broken.

- One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

- One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

- One who when a girl asks him for a diamond ring, he turns stone-deaf.

- One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.

[bakylotus]

HUSBAND AND WIFE - same service


A husband visited a marriage counselor and said,
'When we were newly married, I would come home
from the office my wife would bring me slippers
and my cute little dog would run around barking'.

He continued, 'Now after ten years of marriage,
the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around
barking'.

'Why complained?' the counselor asked. 'You're still
getting the same service'.








HUSBAND AND WIFE - love to do


A wife, one evening drew her husband's attention to
the couple next door and said, 'Do you see that couple?
How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they
they meet. Why don't you do that?'

'I would love to', said the husband. 'But I don't know her
well enough'.

[Roman city]

This guy is walking down the street, when a hooker approaches him and asks, “Say, wanna have a good time?” “Sure!” he says as they head off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes, all the while he’s staring at her. The hooker says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?” The guy says, “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

[bakylotus]

HUSBAND AND WIFE - no answer back


A man was telling his friends, 'When my wife is
infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children
and even our dogs and nobody dares to answer
her'.

One of his friends asked, 'And when you are angry
what do you do?'

The man replied, 'I also shout angrily at the windows
and doors of the house and none of them dares to
answer back'.






HUSBAND AND WIFE - come home late


A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her
husband always came home late, no matter how she
tried to stop him.

'Take my advise', said the neighbour, 'and do what I
did. Once my husband came home at 3am and from
my bed I called out, Is that you Jim?, that cured him'.

'Cured him?' asked the woman. 'But how?'

'You see', the neighbour said, 'His name is Bill'.






HUSBAND AND WIFE - problem father


'You looked troubled', I told my friend. 'What's your
problem?'

'I'm going to be a father', he replied.

'But that's wonderful', I said.

'What wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet'.

[*Horny*]

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious," begged the man, "how long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

[*Horny*]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

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Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off." The second guy says, "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast." The third guy says, "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out."

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[*Horny*]

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!

================================================== ========

A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"

[*Horny*]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[bakylotus]

A young man and his date were parked on a back
road some distance from town, doing what young
men and women do.

Abruptly, the girl stopped the man dead in his
tracks. 'I really should have mentioned this earlier,
I am actually a hooker and I charge 25 dollars for
sex'.

The man reluctantly paid her and they finished their
thing. After the obligatory cigarette, the man sat in
the driver's seat staring out of the window.

'Why aren't we going anywhere?' asked the girl.

'Well, I should have mentioned before, I am actually
a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $30'.