Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[phamtrucktroi]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

So what is the answer?

[Hurricane88]

The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.

The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the King and the Queen went fishing. 

On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting. 

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!” 

In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  

He is an educated and experienced professional. 
Besides, I pay him very high wages.  

He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him.

So the King continued on his way.

However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.  

The King and Queen were totally soaked. 

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.

Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.

I obtain my information from my donkey.  

If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...it will rain." 

So the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

🐐🐐🐐😅

[Hurricane88]

There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, " Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why ???


Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!






You can't kill Two Birds


With


OneStone

[Umtiti]

Thanks bro Hurricane88 for sharing great jokes

[JasonJG]

Originally Posted by phamtrucktroi

So what is the answer?

Think answer is nothing

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

[diputs1269]

Thanks Bro Hurricane88 for the OneStone story.

[Hurricane88]

Originally Posted by JasonJG

Think answer is nothing

Correct...

More jokes...

[Hurricane88]

New jokes...

[SungJoongki]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.

The practice is unbroken to this date.

🐐🐐🐐😅

So very true!!

[Hurricane88]

Guys, please be careful about what you buy online especially on black Friday.

If you buy stuff online please check out the seller very carefully.

Nazir from another group just lost £50 on a Penis Enlarger.

The bastards sent him a magnifying glass. 🔎
The only instructions that came along with it were "DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT"

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 Valentine Poems

10.
I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk

9.
Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8.
I bought this Valentine's card at the sto.
In hopes that later, you'd be my ho.

7.
This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6.
You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5.
Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4.
Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.

3.
You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2.
I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1.
If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[bigbirdbird]

Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL- Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around young children.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

[bigbirdbird]

Confession

A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.

"Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

"You've sinned?"

"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."

"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."

"Will that wash away my sin?"

"'No, but it will get that silly smile off your face."

[bigbirdbird]

Affair with an Italian





A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

Flustered, he said "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it."

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[bigbirdbird]

Fetish





A young man is being pursued by a young admiring woman. Eventually, he has no choice but to grant her a ‘private audience’.

Relentlessly she asks him for a quickie in the sack though he tried hard to refuse her. Finally giving in to her demands for carnal knowledge, he says "OK, but there is one condition: I have a particular fetish that you must perform in order to sleep with me."

"I'll do anything for you" replies the succubus. "Just name it."

So the man says to the woman, "You know ... I really enjoy it when there's a sort of lightning effect. So, you must reach over to that switch on the wall and flick it on and off every few seconds."

The woman agrees and starts flicking the light switch off with her left arm.. She then asks "Now can we have sex?"

"Not quite yet" replies the man. "Lightning is nice, but it doesn't really mean much without thunder. So with your right leg, I want you to open and close the cabinet door whenever you flick the light on."

"OK" says the horny young maid, and she begins to coordinate her flicks and clacks. "Now can we have sex?" she asks as she is switching between arm and leg movements.

"Not quite yet" replies the man. "This is all very nice, but there can't really be thunder and lightning without wind. I'd like you to reach behind your head with your right hand and open and shut the windows."

She says "OK" and begins opening the shutter and closing it with her right hand. And of course, it's raining and some drops are coming in the window.

So there she is, making lightning with her left hand, creating thunder with her right leg, and using her right hand to make wind and rain. Desperate and beyond understanding of his fetish, the young woman finally begs him "NOW can we have sex? PLEASE?!"

And the young man looks at her shocked and says, "What do you mean 'have sex'? In this weather?"