Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!"

[birdie8819]

Q) What's the similarity between eating a juicy pussy and the Mafia?
A) One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit!

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: First...pick them up off the floor...

Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

Q: What's the difference between Lawyer and a cunt?
A: A cunt is useful.


Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their nuts!


How can a man tell his woman is too fat for him?
When she sits on his face, he can't hear the stereo.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

Q: Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex?
A: So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!


Why are guys so good at video games?
It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of
jerking off to Playboy centerfolds.

Q: Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
A: Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Q. Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A. The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A rich mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store...

Sex is a lot like doing laundry, if you have a small load, do it by hand!
I see sales for Viagra are way down. I guess all those old guys finally
figured out that sex with an old woman is not worth $20.

Q) What's the similarity between getting a blow job from an eighty year old woman and walking a tightrope?
A) In both cases, you really don't want to look down.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show

Q)Why is an ugly girl like a bedspread ?
A) Because they are both turned down at night

Q)Why does it take woman longer to have an orgasm?
A) Who cares??

What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
Your wife will blow your bonus.

Q. How do we know God is a man?
A. Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye damn near killed him!

Q. What's better than screwing two eighteen year old girls at once?
A. Not a damn thing!

What's the definition of a computer nerd?
A man who knows 4,560 ways to have sex, but doesn't know any girls.

Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

[bakylotus]

THE FRIENDLY GHOST

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the
country but the only one available was rumoured
to be haunted. That didn't bother the preacher
as he didn't believed in such things. He went ahead
and rented the place.

Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher
told his friends about the ghost but they didn't
believe him. They told him the only way they would
believe him was if he took a picture of the ghost.

The preacher went home and called for the ghost.
When it appeared, the preacher explained the
situation and asked the ghost if it mind having his
picture taken. The ghost agreed.

When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn't
visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher again
called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher
showed it the picture and wanted to know why the
ghost wasn't in it.

The ghost thought a minute and replied, 'Well, I guess
the spirit is willing but the flash is weak!'.

[Roman city]

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!” “Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.” “Who is the third rose from?” she asked. “Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

[talkrock]

oops

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh**."

[bakylotus]

SPECTATOR


I was sprawled on the living room couch watching
my favourite show on the food network when my
husband walked in.

'Why do you watch those food shows?' he asked.
'You don't even cook'.

Glaring back at him, I asked, 'Then why do you
watch football?'

[Roman city]

The Doctor says ”Your wife either has Alzheimer’s or AIDS.” To which the husband asks ”How can we find out which?” The Doctor replies ”I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don’t fuck her.”

[bakylotus]

WHOSE BABY?

A Pole, an Italian and a Jew, all first time fathers,
are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting
room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room
holding a black baby.

'Is it yours?' she asked the Italian.

'Certainly not', he replied.

'Yours?' she asked the Pole, who vigorously denied
paternity.

'How about you?' she asked the Jew.

'Maybe' he answered glumly. 'My wife burns everything'.

[Roman city]

A man was complaining to his friend, “I had it all – money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman… then, poof! It was all gone!” “What happened?” asked the friend. “My wife found out.”

[seesaw]

Shakespeare was a very wise man.

But you'd never know it because he used such fancy-schmancy words.

Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English.

It's about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will.
Get over it.

[seesaw]

While at his doctors trying to figure out why he felt bad and had no energy, Jim finally admitted that he was probably worn down from to much sex.

"How much are we talking about here Jim"? His doctor asks.

" Well I can not stop myself, and must have it at least twenty times a day or I will not be able to sleep at night", Jim reports.

"My God Jim, that is way more then any man should be doing! Just look at how sick it has already made you. You must slow down to a normal pace or it is going to kill you"!

So taking his Doctors advice, Jim does indeed slow down and began to feel much better. How ever Jims addiction to sex is more then he can control, and within weeks he finds himself completely back out of control, and doing it thirty, and forty times a day. It did not take long for Jim to end up in the hospital with his Doctor telling him that he is now going to die, and there is nothing he can do for him. I warned you that it would kill you if you did not slow down, he said. All I can do know is to ask you if you have any last wishes?

Jim says yes Doctor I do! I want you to promise me that when I die you make sure I get cremated.

His Doctor agrees.

Then I want you to promise me that you will take my ashes, mix them up into a douche, and get some woman to run me through one last time!

[seesaw]

Who couldn't use a visit from the "Hot Sex Fairy"?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when woman make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. issing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

[birdie8819]

Murphy's Rules of Sex

~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

~ Abstain from wine, women, and song mostly song.

~ Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had a man, the women he couldn't.

~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

~ Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don't say no.

~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

~ Beauty is skin deep ugly goes right to the bone.

~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation the other eight
are unimportant

[birdie8819]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card; you can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours - you haven't had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[Roman city]

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” The Dad confused, asks him “Before or after sex?” The kid replies “Ummm… before sex.” So the dad says to him “Well have you ever seen a beautiful rose with it’s soft red peddles?” “Yes.” says the son before continuing “What about after sex?” His dad replies, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”