husband leaving me, please advise

[Bangster]

Originally Posted by adviseme

...i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.

Those women will be exactly the ones who would find their spouses straying, bloody hell always think so highly of themselves....KA PUI!!!

Ooops sorry..got carried away.

Anyways Sis Adviseme,

Please be strong. I admire your strength to keep calm when confronting your hubby and I hope you do not crumble in these hard times. I am not good with dispensing advice, let alone understand your situation. Or vice versa. Or, whatever lah I just said I'm not good with that.

Your boy, I can tell he's a strong little fellow with a high EQ when he grows up. I remember when I was small and I witnessed my parents quarrelling and fighting, and I totally understood what was going on but it's just that I haven't learn that many words to express myself then. Your boy he could make you lovely cards and all, I mean he really is a darling, ain't he??! I couldn't even manage offering my mom tissue papers back then.

Be strong for your boy. Focus all your attention on him. He needs it. Manage your emotions well. Sometimes it may mean hiding the hurt, I donno. But if you need to cry out, you know where to head. HERE IN SBF OF COURSE!!!

We bunch of happy fuckers would be more than happy to be your pillars of strength and counsellors(bar me). I hope I can make you laugh though.

SBF BRUDDERS, CORRECT OR NOT?

[webb_doc]

Hi adviseme,

My humble advised.

1)Be strong and positive in what you are doing.Suicidal thinking shd be cast away far far as you got a son who need your support.

2)Your husband had a relationship with the girl for 1 year and I dont think he can let go of the girl just like that.He sure to have a deep feeling for her and towards you,he just feel a sense of responsibility towards his family.The only reason he is still not with that gerl is most likely the gerl doesnt want to leave the husband and he doesnt want to make it complicated and u are his easy way out shd he fall back.

3)Tell the whole family he is the troublemaker so you can feel at ease should you cross path with them.It is best to attack than to defend.Dont let people wrongly accused you especially people on his side.

4)Letting someone you love is hard I know as i been through it b4 too..but Im sure in a long run,you be able to jst like me...PM me if need my humble tot again..Hope you make a wise decision..

[smokinggun]

End of the day it's still "home sweet home" for Men... for one reason or another. Whether you can wait for that day to come and take him in by then its another matter. Anw all the best to you TS.

[alvinechipmonk]

i tink just divorce him and get on with life. if he loves u, he would have realised his mistake, take it like a man and come back, no relationship with that colleague and beg for ur forgiveness.

he just cant bear to live w/o that colleague, wadever it is, 1 yr is still fresh for him. he just wants to have the best of both worlds.

[dormant]

Maybe he is merely guilty of his misdeeds which he felt are unpardonable. Leaving is just an escape.

[Softcore]

As the child of divorced parents, I can tell you that you'll either wither like a flower due to self-pity or toughen the fuck up. It can go both ways depending on the individual.

[Frankiestine]

Originally Posted by adviseme

can you believe this... i have posted my problem on this world wide forum but have only told my younger sister about it. maybe i am just too ashamed of this personal failure.

I probably sounding very much a hypocrite considering i am no saint......but why should you be ashamed, it is not your fault don't start feeling guilty cos the guilt is his not yours...

i am not making myself out to be the victim. i must have contributed in some parts to case my marriage to end up like this. i have been complacent and overly confident of me and us. at least i will carry some learning points away from this episode.

Sista your response is the same as my ex-oc, she too started blaming herself for me straying. Have she neglected me etc. But that is the last thing you should do. Feeling guilty..

[lglg666]

Originally Posted by adviseme

so i really dont know how to enlist my son in my fight.

My advice is not to get him involved in this....he may grow-up
hating both of you in future or for his own screw-ups!

You are right to shield him....but slowly he too will understand
the situation and when he asks, then tell him accordingly and
not just from your point of view.

I am speaking from my own experience....as I'm from a broken
home too and only lately I come to understand why when both
my parents have passed away!

My 2 cents worth...

[HCKing]

Originally Posted by adviseme

hi corny123

i am beyond suicidal. i doubt it would change anything if i kill myself. honestly i suspect i am bottling up all my emotions still cos i have not hurl abuse at my husband, plan revenge on him or her or even threaten him. from the time he confessed until now, i managed to control my emotions and talk to my husband calmly, (of course with tears rolling). i just dont want our relationship to sour because of this. he has been my soulmate for almost a decade and has always been gentle and kind to me. i hope this will not snowball to a huge outburst later. that is why i am seeking counselling first.

can you believe this... i have posted my problem on this world wide forum but have only told my younger sister about it. maybe i am just too ashamed of this personal failure.

i am not making myself out to be the victim. i must have contributed in some parts to case my marriage to end up like this. i have been complacent and overly confident of me and us. at least i will carry some learning points away from this episode.

wish me well as i find my footing.
and cherish your gf. not many girls approve sbf. i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.

no need to feel ashamed of the failure as i believe there r many many many similar cases out there, difference is that yr husband has decided to call it quit while the rest r still either tolerating, trying hard to compromise or seeking alternatives outside secretly. try talking to yr husband calmly and ask him what he really wants. he might have other reason to call it quit.

[Oralcraz]

Originally Posted by adviseme

Hi oralcraz
I am trying very hard to shield my son from what we are going through. I cant control the tears very well and I am ashamed of the extent of the damage.
even when son ask "why is daddy always not home" - i would tell him "daddy works hard so that we can buy such and such etc".
so i really dont know how to enlist my son in my fight.

Yes, honestly, sincerely, I can understand. Is painful and hurting if your son get involve especially he is so young, innocent and don't even really understand. However, yr situation seems like "no turning back" and you seems very determine to keep the family intact. What I'm trying to put across is that hopefully, yr husband LOVE for the son (as a last resort) can turn the situation around for you. The main concern for you is to hold him back ..... for as long as it can be. What comes next, how you want to manage the relationship, how you want to change and start afresh with him or how is he going to react is another issue.

I mentioned again, my son was six when I almost divorce my wife. Just can't take it anymore. I was like going to work with "eye bag" and "like to stay away from home as much as possible." However, even when I was having a fling, my heart and mind is still thinking about home ... my son. I did not grow up in a happy family and I was determine not to let my children grow up like what I've gone thru. It was this love for my son that woke me up. I began to calm myself and have a good thought. I began to priorities myself and be more practical and objective. Finally, I decided to "see more open", bite the bullet and stay on. Today, is already coming to 19 yrs on my marriage ....., I can say that I did not regret. My wife relationship and me is not fantastic, but manageable, even though sex is not on our agenda.

Well hopefully you hubby is reading this, hi adviseme hubby, think again carefully, I believe you have a thoughtful and understanding wife. Family priorities always come first. There is no perfect match ... only if we want to match it. I have a few divorced friends who re-marry. They are not really that happy after all. Worse, still have to take care of two family.

Take care.

[newyorker88]

Originally Posted by block11

my personal opinion as a samster... if this is his first affair then he'll be very confused and feeling guilty now... try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out since both of you obviously still care for each other and your son... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway... i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out. all the best

I agree too. An affair is just a while, while marriage is for life. Sooner or later, the other woman husband will find out too, and the other woman will have to break with your husband, if she chose her husband.

It is obvious that you are going thru a rough patch, and so it your husband, whom still love you and is brave enough to split the beans. no matter how dark the night may be, the sun will still rise again.

Take care of your kid, as he will be the biggest victim if both of you decide to break apart or quarrel. Kids are sensative, even if both of you dont quarrel, the kid is able to pick up the vibrations tat something is wrong in the family.

Have a talk with your husband. There may be short comings where both of you need to address.

Best of luck.

[sammyboyfor]

My advice to "adviseme" is to post your message in SingaporeBrides: A Singapore Wedding Directory for the Singapore Wedding Couples and http://flowerpod.com.sg in order to get feedback from a female perspective.

[geckoSG]

Originally Posted by adviseme

even when son ask "why is daddy always not home" - i would tell him "daddy works hard so that we can buy such and such etc".

so i really dont know how to enlist my son in my fight.

Dun worry, kids are smart nowsaday, they will know, it will be a tough road
ahead for you, but u must stay strong for yourself and your kid.

Teach the right value to your kid, that's important. Only hope is that the
father is responsible enough to his own kids. They are innocent in this ring
of ADULT affairs.

Right now, you need more support from family and friends, bring your kid
along and mix with the other friends you have.

Sooner or later, your kid will know that dad & mum are seperated, etc...
Be strong. Keep your faith there!

[spready]

Sis Adviseme,

think by now many of SBF senior bros have already dished out their experience and i supposed you should have a rough idea on hw you wish to handle this situation.

But no matter what happens please think of your son as he is the most innocent and he defintely has the right to spend his childhood days happily. Your husband has already caused some confusion n fear in him and the last thing you should think off is to inflict more pain on him.

having sucidal thoughts won't help anything and as a fire fighter during my NS days especially those who jumped down from high buildings are a ugly sight. I don't think you would want your son to handle this by his own.

hope my 0.02 cents of worth helped.

All the best to you!!

[adviseme]

dear everybody

i am really thankful for all the advice and support. i am especially touched by the sharing of personal experiences which i believe open up some partially healed wounds. thank you for sharing so unreservedly. i found strength and hope in them.

i am still waiting for a counselling appointment but i guess i am on the right track. i am still toggling between feeling strong one day and breaking down another. my current target is to eat and sleep. i need to be physically well to fight this mental war.

forum mod is right. it is now time to close this thread and to move on in real life. i thank everybody for being there when i needed to rant and i truly appreciate the few regulars that are fortresses of strength for me.

i hope this thread helps everybody see the extent of hurt a break up may cause. i would not wish this upon anybody, even my worse enemies.

so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.

God bless everybody and your marriages.