Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 831

fortitudebudget · #**12451** 29-11-2020, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ah rat

___________________

Really nice gift warning.

etsys · #**12452** 29-11-2020, 10:41 AM

maybe posted before ??

An 80 year old man gets a letter from the IRS saying to call their office as soon as possible. The old man picked up the phone and called the IRS and an agent says that he noticed some irregularities with his money where there was a large amount of funds going in and out of his account and he needs to come in the next morning at 9 am to discuss it
.
The old man says no problem he'll be in at 9. After hanging up the phone he takes a bit to think about it and decided he should probably have a lawyer present with him so he calls his lawyer to have him accompany him.

The following morning the old man and the lawyer arrive at the IRS office where the agent sits down and says that he will have to do an audit for the mans source of income. The old man says well that is because he loves to gamble on damn near anything. The IRS agent says oh really? The old man says that's right, and I'll bet you 5 thousand dollars I can bite my eye. The IRS agent says ok, I'll take that sure bet.

The old man pulls out his fake eye and puts it in his mouth to bite it then replaces it back in his eye socket. The IRS agent goes you son of a bitch. The old man say now hold on a second, I'll let you get your money back and more. I bet 7500 that I can bite my other eye. The IRS agent thinks a moment and not seeing a cane or seeing eye dog the agent says you're on.
The old man pulls out his false teeth and using his hand bites his other eye.

The IRS agent is stunned because once again the old man has bested him. The old man says now I can't just let you be down just like that I will give you one last chance. 15 thousand dollars says for you to move your trash can to the other side of the room and I will stand over here

I bet 15 thousand that I can piss in that trash can and not get a single drop anywhere but in that garbage can. The IRS agent says fine, there is no possible way the old man can do that. So the old man unzips and pisses all over the IRS agents desk. The IRS agent smiles because he won his bet but noticed the lawyer who went pale and and tells the old man you son of a bitch.

The IRS agent asks what is wrong to which the lawyer says that on the way in the old man bet him 100 thousand dollars that he would piss all over your desk and you would smile about it

song3daobedok · #**12453** 29-11-2020, 12:25 PM

Fantastic jokes here. Thanks all for sharing.

VVDPurple · #**12454** 29-11-2020, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ah rat

___________________

Fark properly?

wahsoon · #**12455** 29-11-2020, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by etsys

Baby is hungry

malaysiapig · #**12456** 29-11-2020, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?*
*I replied he can smell she is ready that is how nature works.*
*We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex ?*
*I replied 'it’s nature he can smell she is ready'.*
*We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow; my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready.*
*I said look it’s nature, all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.*
*Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'take care and get yourself checked for Covid-19.'*
*Surprised, I asked her why she feels that way ?*
*She said, “I think you seem to have lost your sense of smell”.*🤭🤫🙏

Covid joke ...👍

loneyheart · #**12457** 29-11-2020, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

*Fused Bulb Concept*

A senior executive retired and shifted from his palatial official quarters to the housing society, where he owned a flat. He considered himself big and never talked to anyone. Even while walking in the society park every evening, he ignored others, looking at them with contempt.

One day, it somehow transpired that an elderly person sitting beside him started a conversation, and they continued to meet. Every conversation was mostly a monologue with the retired executive harping on his pet topic, “Nobody can imagine the big post and high position I held before retirement; I came here due to compulsions”; and so on, and the other elderly person used to listen to him quietly.

After many days, when the retired executive was inquisitive about others, the elderly listener opened his mouth and said, “After retirement, we are all like fused bulbs. It does not matter what a bulb’s wattage was, how much light or glitter it gave, after it gets fused.”

He continued, “I have been living in this society for the last 5 years and have not told anyone that I was a Member of the Parliament for two terms. On your right, over there is Vermaji, who retired as General Manager in Indian Railways. Over there is Singh Saheb, who was a Major General in the Army. That person sitting on the bench in spotless white dress is Mehraji, who was the chief of ISRO before retirement. He hasn’t revealed it to anyone, not even to me, but I know."

“All fused bulbs are now the same – whatever its wattage was – 0, 10, 40, 60, 100 watts – it doesn’t matter now. Neither does it matter what type of bulb it was before it got fused – LED, CFL, Halogen, Incandescent, fluorescent, or decorative. And that, my friend, applies to you too. The day you understand this, you will find peace and tranquillity even in this housing society.”

"The rising sun as well as the setting sun are both beautiful and adorable. But, in reality, the rising sun gets more importance and adoration, and is even worshipped in some societies, whereas the setting sun is not given the same reverence. It is better to understand this sooner than later”.

Not ask a joke but a well written lesson
Thxs bro

dyelook · #**12458** 29-11-2020, 04:48 PM

laughter bumps...

CheeHongCheng · #**12459** 29-11-2020, 10:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by etsys

maybe posted before ??

An 80 year old man gets a letter from the IRS saying to call their office as soon as possible. The old man picked up the phone and called the IRS and an agent says that he noticed some irregularities with his money where there was a large amount of funds going in and out of his account and he needs to come in the next morning at 9 am to discuss it
.
The old man says no problem he'll be in at 9. After hanging up the phone he takes a bit to think about it and decided he should probably have a lawyer present with him so he calls his lawyer to have him accompany him.

The following morning the old man and the lawyer arrive at the IRS office where the agent sits down and says that he will have to do an audit for the mans source of income. The old man says well that is because he loves to gamble on damn near anything. The IRS agent says oh really? The old man says that's right, and I'll bet you 5 thousand dollars I can bite my eye. The IRS agent says ok, I'll take that sure bet.

The old man pulls out his fake eye and puts it in his mouth to bite it then replaces it back in his eye socket. The IRS agent goes you son of a bitch. The old man say now hold on a second, I'll let you get your money back and more. I bet 7500 that I can bite my other eye. The IRS agent thinks a moment and not seeing a cane or seeing eye dog the agent says you're on.
The old man pulls out his false teeth and using his hand bites his other eye.

The IRS agent is stunned because once again the old man has bested him. The old man says now I can't just let you be down just like that I will give you one last chance. 15 thousand dollars says for you to move your trash can to the other side of the room and I will stand over here

I bet 15 thousand that I can piss in that trash can and not get a single drop anywhere but in that garbage can. The IRS agent says fine, there is no possible way the old man can do that. So the old man unzips and pisses all over the IRS agents desk. The IRS agent smiles because he won his bet but noticed the lawyer who went pale and and tells the old man you son of a bitch.

The IRS agent asks what is wrong to which the lawyer says that on the way in the old man bet him 100 thousand dollars that he would piss all over your desk and you would smile about it

Old man very smart ROFL

xploror · #**12460** 01-12-2020, 12:48 AM

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?"

Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!"

The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!”

“Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks.

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

A blonde goes to the doctor's and find out she is pregnant with twins.

She starts crying and the doctor asks her what's wrong.

She replies, "I know who the dad is for one of them but I don't know who the dad is for the other one!"

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?"

The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well."

Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?"

He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

Q: Why did the blonde pee on the ground?
A: Because she saw a sign that said 'Wet Floor.'

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."