your "Hey, wait a minute, you never had your husband to start with ... so what did you really lose?" actually gave me strength.
thanks
My pleasure ... if this is the "rocket fuel" you need every now & then until you find your footing, you know where to look me up.
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Originally Posted by adviseme
can you believe this... i have posted my problem on this world wide forum but have only told my younger sister about it. maybe i am just too ashamed of this personal failure.
This is all sooooo wrong ... but maybe it's just the Asian/Chinese mentality.
Trust me, coz I've also been through a broken marriage before ... looking back, I still link it with "a waste of time & money", "an investment which went totally wrong" but NEVER as a failure on my resume.
I look at it this way ... if you've neither lived in the Halls nor sat for a couple of Supplementary papers, you cannot count yourself to have completely experenced campus life.
Same here, you are now a colourfully better person ... compared to those who only managed a "& they lived happily ever after" in their lifetime.
Quote:
Originally Posted by adviseme
... not many girls approve sbf. i can imagine the number of woman scorning at me for asking a bunch of chee kor peks (no offence) for help.
Scorned or otherwise, you certainly did the right thing ... why would you wanna discuss your options (of how to handle a broken marriage) with any person who only knew of "happily after" marriages?
I remember you stated very clearly in your first posting that you do not want to be seeking solace amongst a bunch of weeping pussies ... or something to that effect, agree?
__________________ Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed & blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,
You'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
Sista, I think you need to just let it all go and find your own life instead of staying with someobody that cheated you. Bad for your son but if he is a good father he will still be financially and emotionally responsible and you can find a new husband who is better for you.
dear everybody
i am really thankful for all the advice and support. i am especially touched by the sharing of personal experiences which i believe open up some partially healed wounds. thank you for sharing so unreservedly. i found strength and hope in them.
i am still waiting for a counselling appointment but i guess i am on the right track. i am still toggling between feeling strong one day and breaking down another. my current target is to eat and sleep. i need to be physically well to fight this mental war.
forum mod is right. it is now time to close this thread and to move on in real life. i thank everybody for being there when i needed to rant and i truly appreciate the few regulars that are fortresses of strength for me.
i hope this thread helps everybody see the extent of hurt a break up may cause. i would not wish this upon anybody, even my worse enemies.
so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.
God bless everybody and your marriages.
i am really thankful for all the advice and support. i am especially touched by the sharing of personal experiences which i believe open up some partially healed wounds. thank you for sharing so unreservedly. i found strength and hope in them.
.
.
.
so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.
God bless everybody and your marriages.
dear adviseme...
good to hear that you are moving on...
this thread will certainly be useful to others who are going thru similiar experiences...
and God bless you too...
as much as u felt burdened to reply me, i m very sorry i didnt catch your post cos i skimmed thru your thread without looking carefully. had some time today, so i took the time to read thru all your posts. only then i realised your reply to my post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by adviseme
Hi, I feel burdened to reply you.
ya I guess I let self pity envelope me before thinking from his perspective.
it is human nature to let self pity to set in. i guess that since your husband cannot be the rational one here, u have to step in, wear the bloody pants and explore the alternatives. no time for self pity. but u can have a lot of time for that when this matter is resolved.
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however, the crux lies why he actually did that to you? again, i m not saying that the fault lies with u, but why???
trust me, I wish I knew why too
u need to open your mouth and ask him. think u deserve that, after what u have gone thru for him. marriage, pregnancy, post natal blues, the difficulty of taking care of your child... think he owes u an explanation, to say the very least.
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1. u said u talked to him and he told u 6 mths back that he no longer feels anything for u. i m sure a guy would not tell u that the 1st time u ask. did u bug him for a long time before he finally confessed?
guilty as charged
hindsight bias here. i guessed u were hurt but didnt really see the need to sit down with him again to see how the both of u could work towards salvaging the marriage. it showed a total lack of communication when only u were trying to do something here. 2 parties to make a marriage work.
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2. although u try not to quarrel over trivial matters, did these quarrels still happen often?
no quarrels at all, hard to believe but true
I m sure your friends would tell u that this is actually a red flag. no quarrels means no communication... or worse, u dont care anymore.
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3. out of curiosity, why did u say that both of u struggled with your 5 yo son???
other than the normal teething problem of having an additional member in the household, we had no help from family, no maid, and I suffered from post natal blues
common issues, but nonetheless not easy to settle. u need to get someone take your son off your hands once in a while. that's when your family comes into play.
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4. were the gym sessions for him or for yourself???
myself
for yourself to look good??? did your husband object to it before the affair??? dont reply me this. think about it yourself. most women i see in the gyms are going there for the wrong reasons.
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5. after his confessions that he didnt feel for u anymore, were u the only one who tried to kickstart the marriage again???
sadly, yes
this is like playing tennis alone. u can only play with the wall. u will almost come up to a wall or end up losing the ball.
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colleagues are very dangerous. your husband spends a minimum of 8 waking hours everyday at work. probably much more waking hours than at home. when problems arise at work, his colleagues would be able to emphatise better than u. agreed???
he spends 13-14 hours in the office 5 days a week, so yes, I fully agree
so, if u have the chance to do this again, what would u have done differently??? my wife and i regularly visit each other at our offices, got to know the colleagues. why??? to become friends. so that any colleague who wants to come inbetween us will have to wrong a friend, instead of a faceless name.
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i stopped bugging him and naively believed that maybe our routine-ness made he stop feeling for me. i was going out for my morning jog this morning when suddenly he came and confessed. strange but true.
very strange indeed.
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I thought I could rekindle flames if there wasnt anybody else. However if there was, I doubt I could compete with a sweet romantic somebody else with my routine and daily living stuffs.
think u need to rethink again. having someone to compete is not the end of the world. the end of the world came 6 months ago when your husband told u he didnt love u anymore, and again when he told u recently when he wants out. dont think of the woman now. dont think of her existence. then work out your issues.
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i m just thinking, committing adultery doesnt mean that he doesnt love u. there r tons of men out there (and in here) who engages in paid sex but love their wives and children to bits. isnt the loss of feelings the bigger problem here???
In a way you are right but I guess he strayed cos he lost his feelings
no need to find excuses for him. he has to answer for his own indiscretion.
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no man can love a woman forever. the love will fade, and that's when lust for other women takes over. he is then measured by whether he can overcome them or succumb to them.
yes, I fully agree. He seems determined to leave me for her. I have told him that he needs to work on this else she will go through what I am going through now.
and break up another marriage??? he sounds very selfish, only caring for his own happiness. of course, we do not know what the other woman thinks about this. and he has not thought out whether he can afford it in the first place, probably having to pay maintenance every month for u and your child.
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your husband must know that a marriage will grow. love is the reason u got together. the love will grow into companionship and friendship. not the normal companionship, but the trust that both of u would stick by each other, for better or for worse. the kind of companionship that would last a lifetime, the kind of companionship that would equip each other with the confidence to face the big bad world, the kind of companionship that offers mutual support which makes the kind of shit u have to take all worth it. simply the kind that one can never get from PRC prostitutes or happily married colleagues.and friendship is not the friendship u make with your bros/sistas u go drinking or shopping with. the kind of best friend who can share your deepest fears and insecurities, and yet not make u less of a man or woman. your biggest fan and your biggest supporter. and newsflash: it takes 2 to work.
Reading this made me tear. I wish he would listen to this.
then tell it to him. obviously, he doesnt know about marriage. he doesnt know about responsibilities. he doesnt know the meaning of the sacred marriage vows. neither did i.
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nagging is a man's biggest fear. your words, though humbly seeking help, is still shining with strength and pride. it is good generally to have these strengths, but the current situation calls for u to put them down and solve these issues with your husband.
i dont nag, really, cos i know it only makes the man shut off completely. and yes, we do calmly talk about the issue at hand.
if this is true, he has no excuses to stray other than his own. actually, that might also be the reason why u never quarrel. cos u r too logical and calm. it is good to quarrel sometimes. to show that your man is actually listening and is passionate enough to make his point across to u.
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dont hesitate to seek professional help but only if both of u are really comfortable with it.he refused counselling cos he said his mind is made up.
nah, he is only embarrassed to face up to his misdeeds to another person. there is another arsehole way to it. do both your families know about this??? if he is not a very determined person or respects your in-laws very much, it would be good to ask them to come into the picture. dont think that u r not playing fair when u do this. nothing is fair in love and war. moreover, he isnt being very fair to u in the first place.
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i m sorry if i offended u. my wife and i hope that both of u work it out and do not have to resort to divorce. no, please i am not offended at all. in an way i envy your wife cos you are committed to your marriage, mine wasnt. things are not optimistic right now and i guess I can only try so much, eventually, I need to have the grace to let go.
envy??? i had an affair before my marriage. i was caught and she told me to break it off, thinking she was someone after money. i broke it off but carried on again after my marriage. why??? i was overwhelmed with my mistress' love for me. she was determined to have me but not ask for anything in return. she has never tried to break up my marriage. but i was caught again after the birth of my son. my wife forgave me again without any reservations, cos she said i admitted to my failings without any reservations as well. i broke it off for good. we are never better now, but it took a big crisis for me to wake up my bloody idea. and it took a damn big heart from my wife to wipe my slate clean. u have that same heart. but your husband havent wake up. it is now up to u to wake up his idea.
and those words that brought u tears??? from my parents.
oh, if u r not so comfortable to share your feelings in plain view, my pm is open for u. cheers.
i am really thankful for all the advice and support. i am especially touched by the sharing of personal experiences which i believe open up some partially healed wounds. thank you for sharing so unreservedly. i found strength and hope in them.
i am still waiting for a counselling appointment but i guess i am on the right track. i am still toggling between feeling strong one day and breaking down another. my current target is to eat and sleep. i need to be physically well to fight this mental war.
forum mod is right. it is now time to close this thread and to move on in real life. i thank everybody for being there when i needed to rant and i truly appreciate the few regulars that are fortresses of strength for me.
i hope this thread helps everybody see the extent of hurt a break up may cause. i would not wish this upon anybody, even my worse enemies.
so i am moving on, and really, samsters you have proven that i was right in asking for advice here.
God bless everybody and your marriages.
Dear Sister all the best to you too.
We are not saint everyone of us may make mistake some day, why can't we forgive and forget with an open heart.
It may do you good if you two separate for a while.
Let you clear your mind and let him clear his too.
He will still look for her no matter what. (unless you want to track her down with a pi. But will it really help?
Hate will only bring more misery to all the parties involved.)
Giving in, by closing 1 eye, doesnt help as well.
Are you consious abt the trend and fasion and whats happening around the world?
Do you dress up with fasion and do make up occasionally?
Crudely, a hsewife Vs a trendy working women. Who will attract him more?
Most men will go for a trendy working women.
Definitely there are alot of stuff to talk abt, compare to you. Who have been around him for so so long.
Would you spend more time, playing with a new handphone or a old one?
Give yourself a break, change your current dressing and life style and mix with more new friends and go learn something new.
Unless he is aware what he is loosing, you wont get him back. What is the point having him physically but without his hearth there for you.
Dear TS, I just happened to chance upon your thread and I hope you dun mind me giving you my 2 cents worth.
1) In many failed marriages, the flimsy reason used to stick together is commonly - "The children". However, have you ever thought that a impressionable 5 year old will see a loveless marriage as a norm? I think sticking together through a loveless marriage for the "sake" of the children will do more harm than good.
2) Your husband's (or soon to be ex-husband) head is not screwed on right. Gather evidence of his cheating and let him go, grant him a divorce. If he is lucky, he will see the light later.
3) BE strong, as you have a long road with a bright future ahead together with you child. You have many years to enjoy watching your son grow up and become a good man.
I wish you well and the best of luck.
__________________ Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number - Six hundred and Sixty Six!
29-09-2009, 08:34 PM
