Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Lionel Messi]

1) Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

2) A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver
eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of
the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.

The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start
exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one
of the worst pile-ups in history.

When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the
side of the road, the man replied, "I broke down and was just
using my emergency flashers!"

[Lionel Messi]

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright,
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

[Lionel Messi]

One joke that we did in residence was the Chinese Fire Drill,
I don't quite know why it is called that. Anyway..

The victim is on the pot in the dorm washroom. Everyone grabs a bucket
(we used the waste baskets from our rooms) and fills the buckets with
water. Take a paper bag and set it on fire, toss it under the door into the
stall. Yell fire as everyone tosses the water into the stall. Needless to say
the fire as well as the victim get very wet.

This one fellow in the house was hit a number of times and took to relieving
himself in other locals. We followed him a couple of times and nailed him
in many parts of the residence.

Later of course we conspired with our victim to get back at the
original instigator of the drill. The guy in the stall had a bucket of water,
and when the the instigator tossed the bag in we all hit him.

[bakylotus]

ELEMENTARY GRADE HUMOUR



A teacher asks a student, 'What is the opposite of
laughing?'

The student says, 'Sex'.

The teacher scolded, 'Same on you, how can you say
that?'

The student replied, 'Laughing is Ha Ha Ha, Sex is Ah,
Ah, Ah'.

[bakylotus]

Apologies: correction:


The teacher scolded, 'Shame on you.....'

[Humpy Dumpty]

Hahaha. Awesome jokes guys!

[~oyster~]

Two Prostitutes , One Sign

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes - $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Jesus Saves." "How come you don't stop them?!" asked one of the girls. "Well, that's a little different," the officer replied... "their sign pertains to religion."

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

"Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00."

[~oyster~]

My stomach hurts

A man with a bad stomach ache goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep into the rectum.

The man agrees and the doctor tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams in disgust.

"What's the matter hun?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

[~oyster~]

Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!" His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder honey... it's Miracle Grow!"

[~oyster~]

Ok ladies, this is for you. Some of you just don't know what it's like to be a man, or know what a man wants. Now, while I admit we're not as mysterious as women, there's still some things you need to know. Your man may just be too scared to tell you, so F&J is gonna do it for them. Yep that's us, standing up for men's rights everywhere. wOOt.

1. If you're cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
o Unless the answer is yes.
o In which case, can he videotape it?
3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.
4. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.
5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you're done.
7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
10. Don't hog the covers. Really.
11. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
12. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
14. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
15. Of course he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr....
18. He does not want to be just friends.
19. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
20. He was not looking at that other girl.
o Well, okay... maybe a little.
o Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
22. Your (select appropriate item butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.
24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I meantion Love it?
28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
30. He heard you the first time. Honest.
31. You know, you can ask him out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
35. His (fill in appropriate selections bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
37. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"

[~oyster~]

Hot chocolate and Viagra

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.

The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"

The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."

The man says, "And the Viagra?"

"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

[dmtpl]

A giant ship engine failed.

The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.

Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was young.
He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he
immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.

Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would
know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his
bag and pulled out a small hammer.

He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life.
He carefully put his hammer away.
The engine was fixed!

A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for ten thousand
dollars.

"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:

Tapping with a hammer...... ......... ........ $ 2..00
Knowing where to tap.......... .......... ...... $ 9,998.00

Moral of the story:- Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the
difference.

[VirtualGuy]

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

[VirtualGuy]

What does B.I.T.C.H mean?

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

So, just exactly what is a BITCH?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a bitch.......

SMILE.........

And say Thank You!

[VirtualGuy]

Virus warning (3)

Be careful- these are following in the wake of the 'I Love You' virus and are potentially damaging:

The Manchester United virus:
Your PC develops a disorder whereby the memory forgets everything before 1993.

The Man United shirt virus:
This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every 3 months.

The Schmeichel virus:
Your PC develops a hideous, large red dot in the middle of the screen.

The David Beckham virus:
The lights on your PC are all on but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus:
Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus:
Your PC develops a continuous whining noise.

The Andy Cole virus:
Your PC is unable to get anything into the inbox

The Massimo Taibi virus:
You just can't save anything.

The Ryan Giggs virus:
Makes your computer think it's better than it actually is.

These are less virulent, but still wise to keep an eye on them:

The Ian Walker virus:
Your PC will act as though it will save something, but let you down at the last minute.

The David Ginola virus:
Computer pretends to go down, but then boots back up and is OK.

The Stan Collymore virus:
Luckily this one doesn't actually work, but sometimes boots up some Swedish computers.

The Glenn Hoddle virus:
Disables your PC, blames it all on its previous life as a calculator.

The Tony Adams/Rio Ferdinand virus:
All drive privileges lost.

The Bradford City virus:
Makes you think it will go down but presses escape at the last minute.