husband leaving me, please advise

[adviseme]

Do skip my post if you are not interested but please do not flame me. I am just a desperate woman with nowhere to turn to.

I have been reading some threads from this forum and have been touched by the sincerity of some brothers here and how they offer their help and advice unconditionally. I do not want to go to some cosy forum of weepy women who talk about women's rights. I need advice from the more "mature" crowd who may have gone through my situation and can give me proper advice, from a male perspective, no matter how much pain it might cause me.

Pardon me if this is lengthy but I believe that a full picture is required before any advice can be given.

Me (39) and husband (41) do have our share of ups and downs, having struggled with a 5 yo son. But things have been better now because son is older and less dependent on us. We hardly have any disagreement cos he is always busy at work and I try not to waste our precious time together fighting over trivial issues.

He started his cold treatment towards me for almost 18 months. I believed him when he said it was because of work as he still was the responsible father and husband although he minimised physical contact with me. Sex was at best twice a month and the last time we did it was 2 months ago. I am not an unattractive woman. I jog and work out regularly and have been accosted by men in the gym.

I have tried to talk to him about the cold treatment but he denied problems. Just told me not to think too much. 6 months ago, he finally told me he doesnt feel the same anymore, but denied that there was anybody else. He said he was staying on because of our son. Despite the hurt, I continued to try to make it work. Put up with his cold shoulder, tried to spend more time with him etc. Our relationship had been cordial, share jokes, have meals together, go out as a family etc.

He finally came clean today. He has been sleeping with a colleague for almost a year now. She is also married, with a young child, has no problem with her husband. He told me that I have been a good mother and wife and there was no push factor for his affair. He said they were compatible as they have the same character. He does not expect to marry her but decided to come clean as he is tired of hiding and lying.

I cried but did not lose my composure. Maybe his months of indifference has prepared me for this. I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:

1. split up with her, and we go for counselling. I know I need help to get over this betrayal as much as he needs help to overcome this.

2. he move out, we file for divorce.

He cried with me but told me that it was too late. He told me that even if I have him physically, I cant have his heart cos even though he still cared, he doesnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart.

I still love him, despite everything and am willing to forgive and move on. I also do not want to hurt my son with any selfish action on my part. However, the other half of me told me to let him go and that I deserve better than a dysfunctional family like this.

The strange thing is, after the emotional discussion about arrangements (he will find a place and move out within 2 weeks) we hugged and cried together. I told him to indulge me just this once and he actually made effort to hold my hand and my waist when we went for dinner together.

I am lost. As he lay there sleeping soundly next to me (no we did not have sex prior to that) I tossed and turned. I cant sleep. I cant let him go. I know deep inside his mind, he still cared for me and for the family. He is just clouded by this unattainable love. I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

I am really sorry that this post is so long. So sorry but I really need advice.

[Ryke]

Hi , I have read thru about your problem. I hoped that my opinion can show some lighr to you.

1. Your husband had commited the mistake no matter how he cared for you and the family is rubbish. If he really cared why he commit the mistake.

2. It is true having him physically is useless. Why keep him ? He been with his colleague for 1 year plus than he start to feel tired of lying and hiding. Obviously, he enjoyed lying and hiding. This mean he had delibrate intention of cheating and splitting the family.

3. Having such a husband is already a torture. Do u want to keep him and let your son learn from him. You might think that your child does not know but child might already discovered before your husband confessed.

I will recommend you to end this relationship and channel your strength to bring up ypur child rather than staying with such a unfaithful man . I hope my opinion and advice can help u in a way . God bless u .

[block11]

Originally Posted by adviseme

I calmly sat down with him and offered him 2 alternatives:
...
I am even contemplating taking him back and wait out his affair.

What should I do?

my personal opinion as a samster... if this is his first affair then he'll be very confused and feeling guilty now... try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out since both of you obviously still care for each other and your son... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway... i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out. all the best

[adviseme]

Thanks putra80. I agree, it is a personal matter. I wish it were not. If only there were clear cut steps to take when such things happen. Thanks for the links. I was too busy googling "divorce recovery" Really appreciate your taking time out to search for the links and read them up. Thank you.

[adviseme]

hello block11. You are right, he is feeling guilty now. Kept apologising to me and told me that he felt bad putting me through this. He is a good man. I am not sure if he is confused as he seems to be sure about what he is doing. He has even started viewing units. I wondered if he is just trying to get out of being married and she was a good reason since he doesnt intend to marry her anyway. He told me that instead of immediate divorce, maybe we should look at a 3 year annulment, maybe things will improve...but he put in a disclaimer that dont read too much into it. Things arent going smooth at workfront for me. He knew before the showdown. Was actually thinking of using this or the fact that son is still young as an excuse to hold him back and wait it out. Dont really know. But thanks for offering your advice. Thanks.

[StillLearning]

My wife and I have had various ups and downs during our 15 years of marriage. My wife is a beautiful, tall and shapely blonde who is a very good mother and wife. Her family may not have been supportive of her marrying a Singaporean born Chinese, but with love, she has delivered four lovely children. However, our arguments usually pertain to her side of the family. We have been faithful, and my wife trusts me 100%.

I sympathize your difficult situation, and may I suggest that you and your husband seek counselling, do not force the issue of your husband moving out, and be patient.

I pray and hope that your situation will turn positive.

Set our hearts on fire with love for You, O Christ our God, that in its flame we may love You with all our heart, with all our mind, with all our soul and with all our strength, and our neighbours as ourselves, so that, keeping Your commandments, we may glorify You, the Giver of all good gifts.
We pray that You will intercede and counsel [adviseme] and her husband, as well as the other lady, reconcile them with their respective spouses, and strengthen them. Lord, have mercy. Amen.

[tartar26]

Hello, lady... let me give u precious advice.. i will go straight to the point... i may be young, 27 but i am not stupid.

You need to understand love... there is no guarantee in the first place the both of your love initially will sustain after the day you all fall in love and get married, although they are at two time period. Falling out of love or marriage, espeically in 21st century is quite normal, despite majority fear of it. Ok, understood?

Its normal for you to fear and feel sad over such things because of your belief system. Let me assure you this... there is nothing to be ashamed and scared about being divorcee. You can ignore all the 'aunties' and kapoh people talk about your stuff... its really nothing

For you children or child, you do not have to be afraid also. As long as you take time to communicate with him and tell him that its normal that people, his/her parents in this case, which is you and your husband, come and seperate. A child will be scared and fearful because he lived in a world where "daddy and mummy" are supposed to be together. If not, there is no sense of safety in his life.. Such is the naive thinking of children, but 'what to do'. Hence, you yourself has to know this truth so that you can educate your children about these and hence truly help them over their emotions.

They will in turn, with correct learning, become better people. So dun worry also. Lastly, i wish you good luck. Really, my reasoning is correct one.

[MikeInTheHole]

Dear AdviseMe!

I have been in your situation before. I have been naughty. The grass is always greener over the other side of the fence. Emotion situation is very difficult to manage. I thought I lost that loving feeling with my partner, but like all things, it can be found back. Hang on to it! cheers!

Mike In The Hole

[StillLearning]

Originally Posted by adviseme

hello block11. You are right, he is feeling guilty now. Kept apologising to me and told me that he felt bad putting me through this. He is a good man. I am not sure if he is confused as he seems to be sure about what he is doing. He has even started viewing units. I wondered if he is just trying to get out of being married and she was a good reason since he doesnt intend to marry her anyway. He told me that instead of immediate divorce, maybe we should look at a 3 year annulment, maybe things will improve...but he put in a disclaimer that dont read too much into it. Things arent going smooth at workfront for me. He knew before the showdown. Was actually thinking of using this or the fact that son is still young as an excuse to hold him back and wait it out. Dont really know. But thanks for offering your advice. Thanks.

Based on the above, perhaps, your and husband and you may wish to give your marriage another chance. Although I do not understand what you mean by "3 year annulment", what is there for your husband to gain, other than the thrill of his sexual relationship with the other married woman? What is it that he feels unsatisfied in his marriage to you? Perhaps, the next time he apologizes to you, you may wish to consider telling him that you are willing to forgive him, and consider renewing your marriage vow.

[Leverage Trader]

Not sure sis adviseme can understand chinese, but I think I can better express it in chinese.

变了心的男人是最剧烈的毒, 如果你想挽回他, 那就注定一世中了他的毒.

有些男人并没有你想象中那么值得挽留, 何必为不再爱你, 你也不值得再爱他的人而毁了一生?
就像周星驰电影里的台词所说——就当是一个屁，把它放了吧!

为你孩子和真正的幸福, 奋斗吧!!!

Best Wishes
LT

[bg102]

Hi, I will offer my 2 cents

I am sorry to hear of your situation but after reading through you post, I think you can work it out. The first thing to do is NOT to have him move out, because that will be the start of ending the relationship with you.

Make time for family, as you do want your son to have a family environment to grow up in. I also feel, his affair is like "comfort food". They work together and understand each other in work and stress and pressure and so end up comforting each other. When the situation continues they become more familiar with each other and the relationship grows.

You also need to make time for each other TOGETHER. Try to take one day a week to be with each other only, whether it is just going out for dinner (just 2 of you only) or doing some activity together. Tell him if he feels the responsibility to have a good family environment for your son, he will need to be able to have the relationship with you too, as the child grow, he /she will see if there is tension or friction and the once a week togetherness will help to make you both comfortable with each other.

Also this will allow both of you to re-discover each other but take your time and don't rush it, over time you both will discover if you will be better together or apart, but do give yourself enough time to get to know each other once again as persons, individuals and at the end, if anything, you will at the very least have a new good friend or re-build your relationship with each other and may even be stronger.

I am no angel, but I did admit straying a long time ago and my wife had wanted to split but I did not want to and we worked it out and have stayed together for a very long time now. I do love my wife, and as I said, I am no angel, so I try not to get entangled in relationships as it is more difficult when the heart and mind is involved.

I am sorry for this long note, but I just thought I would like to offer my 2 cents and hope this can help you.

[HCKing]

when both parties live under one roof over years, either one or both parties will tend to take each other 4 granted and gradually that special feeling is lost. i believe the reason y he choose to see another married woman is to regain that special feeling without having to bear the responsibility and commitment that comes with it. it will be good to go 4 marriage counselling and seek their advice b4 it gets complicated.

[MeiMei5151]

When I first read your thread this morning, I had wanted to post you a reply as I had shared the same emotions as your hushand ... but no third-party relationship involved. I was last intimate with my wife 7 years ago when my son was conceived. Despite the lack of interest for intimacy, I believed I am still a good father and husband. Hence, in a way I know how you could win him back .... that is provided you want to.

Many bros had since replied you and in way they have said all that I had wanted to say. I summarised below the points that I agree and disagree with.

I totally agree with bro bg102 that "The first thing to do is NOT to have him move out, because that will be the start of ending the relationship with you."

Also agreed with bro block11 that "if this is his first affair then he'll be very confused and feeling guilty now... try not to push him into a decision by offering fixed alternatives like the above. instead, stay together first and work it out ... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway... i dont believe in rushing things. you can decide to divorce later if this marriage cannot be worked out."

I do not agree with bro Ryke when he said:

1. ...If he really cared why he commit the mistake.
2. It is true having him physically is useless. Why keep him ?
3. Having such a husband is already a torture.
I will recommend you to end this relationship"
for that is more of a clinical and logical mind thinking of an uninvolved outsider.

bro tartar26 is correct in stating that "there is nothing to be ashamed and scared about being divorcee." BUT then he also added that "A child will be scared and fearful because he lived in a world where "daddy and mummy" are supposed to be together. If not, there is no sense of safety in his life."

Hence, your best bet is DO NOTHING, DON"T CHASE HIM OUT. One possible strategy is that instead of reacting by being angry and offensive, try using reverse psychology. Show him that though hurt and suffering, you continue to be the sweet, loving, caring, understanding and dutiful wife and mother still. All men (no matter how incorrigible) can appreciate a good, gentle and caring wife no matter how far he strayed. He will eventually come back to you and you should forgive him (even now). As bro block11 said ... i think you should wait out his affair. it should not last long since she is happily married anyway...

My aunt used this approach and it works. She used to be very fierce and domineering until she found out my uncle was having an affair with her best friend. She changed 180 degrees and in the end they remained together till their final days. Hope this helps. Just DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH.

[iloveoversea]

Imho, when a man is gungho enough to choose divorce, that could only mean he’s either desperate enough to get out of the marriage or he’s too ashamed to face his family.

Ts, based on what you have said, your husband might be very confused rite now. There’s simply no reason to move away from a forgiving wife(That is if you actually put it plainly across that your willing to forgive him, guys at this point can’t understand hints no matter how clearly it has been made) and headed towards loneliness. Unless if the other women is leaving her family as well. But you also mention he cares about you still and guess that means something. No one will care about another without emotional attachment, i.e. do you actually care how many puppies does your neighbour’ dog gave birth to?

Do you really want him to be wif you for the rest of your life when you already know everything? Instinct are inborn unfortunately, like a cat who will always kill its prey at any given chance

[ddog]

Your husband is confused at best. That usually happens with a couple neglects one another, submitting to the norms that you both have been conditioned too, for convenience sake. Both parties are to be blamed for it.

I've personally dated 2 40yr old ladies (my age is round 3/4) of it, and one thing's for sure, their situation was more or less the same: husband lost interest, divorcing. They're really fine ladies nonetheless, with looks that could pass off as 28yr olds etc.

Anyways, to skip to the point, you're wise to seek advice fr the opp sex, as females, they tend side their own, willy nilly, right or wrong, they will point the finger at the males. What you need is to relight the flame. Breakout from the norms. Obviously the 3rd party (mistress) had poisoned him. Guys are suckers for temptresses. It's natural, like it or not.

Right now, he probably feels a sense of belonging in her, as she feeds his ego and needs. Classic case. However, you've a kid with him, as well as a wedding ring to boot. To rekindle the nostalgia you must first make a change. Be the person, he used to know, when he fell for you. Ask yourself, what was the last praise he'd complimented you? You personality? thoughtfullness? etc... work on that. Bring out things you both used to do, you both love.

For me I'd play a self composed song on the piano and the gal would fall for me all over again. But thats another story haha (I'm not too good with ladies anyway). Again, make him feel as part of the family, as one, a wife, a kid and him. He'd already played part of his role by supporting the family, responsibility is already impeded in him. Give him the other half.

It's all up to you, it's worth a shot. Go for it.